(i miss you, chalise)

i suppose it doesn't surprise anyone that i miss chalise.

the neighborhood's less shiny without her, and chicago just won't be the same.

my cousin came to the lake this year with a bit of a conviction that chalise and i were meant to be together...a conviction i'm sure some of you share, and a thought we've both heard before. i do love the girl, and when i write about people i love i tend to get into it, so i'm not surprised that it might seem like i'm just ignoring something deeper.

and i would really never say that the two of us couldn't end up together, but if you know me well that's probably partly just the way i am about things, and partly a nod to the fact that i really, truly, unselfishly love that little nutcase like she's family. love doesn't assume compatibility...in fact the two have a hard time co-existing, in my experience.

but i do know that up to this point we've been who we are to one another, and would never give that up for anything we weren't to one another. over the last two years, finally within walking distance and living closer than we even did during our entire childhood, we've (as she put it at her going away party), "become besties all over again".

we both fought through incredibly painful break-ups and listened to one another ramble on about how confused we were. we got drunk on nights when we really shouldn't have, because one of us needed to. we leaned on one another, and we talked and talked and talked and we changed together and it made us closer.

and somehow she ended up in california, where i was before all this.

...

i miss you girl.

duh.

(not interested)

this is so me.

(via xkcd)

(single for life)

staish (cha's little sister): oh my god i love your blog. it's like a soap opera or something for me.

braden (laughing): isn't it great? you sit there with your morning coffee, right?

staish: i'm like, please leave me alone i'm reading d's blog! and i was gone all last week and i'm so happy because i get to catch up and read all posts and the comments and i see kate commented and i have to go back and read all the posts about her from before! i'm obsessed.

this in a sarcastic tone, poking fun at me.

braden: if you haven't heard, d's become the go-to guy for relationship advice...everyone just identifies so closely with him and has to share how they went through the same thing.

me: ha, that's true. i've been getting a lot of those kinds of emails. it's sort of amazing how many.

staish: that's what you should do; give relationship advice for a living.

me: i don't know about that.

braden: people could email you their problems and you could just blog about your own life so they can identify with the things you've been through. it's like therapy without the advice.

staish: yeah, cuz if he was a therapist it'd be, "tell me what's on your mind...and now let's make out".

(charming and single)

charming, but single, a blog i've been reading for quite a long time, wrote this jem and i felt like a lot of you would enjoy it.

it's a bit long, so go grab a coffee first.

“Look, you’re intelligent and funny and I love your company and talking to you,” he said. “But, you know, you just weren’t it and I knew that all along.”

He stammered over the last part. And as much as it hurt to hear and as ashamed as I was, I finally got the break up speech he never bothered to deliver two years ago. And for better or for worse, I finally knew.

He held onto me for a little longer and continued apologizing and stroking my back. I was struck by how calm he was. He said he was upset and hurt and taken aback. And I’m sure he was – no matter how horrible he was to me, he didn’t deserve my mid-coitus emotional breakdown. He just never seemed to show it. He gave me this pained, pitiful look, which I’ve seen only once before, on the face of the only other guy whose face I ever cried to. Both faces bore the same, “Oh God, I made a woman cry” emotion. Neither reflected the pain that I’d expect to see from someone who made a woman they cared about cry.

We got dressed and as he was getting ready to leave, I sat on the back of my couch in my nightgown. He walked over to give me a hug and I pulled him in for a kiss.

“I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Just one,” I pleaded.

And I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and tugged his hair with my fingers and pulled his body into mine. I could feel his body respond to me and his breath shorten. He pulled away twice but came back to kiss me.

The third time, he stopped me and told me no, that we weren’t doing this, that he wasn’t going to keep on hurting me.

“I’m going to disappear for awhile,” he said. “But I would like to be your friend.”

beautifully written.

(yay)

a comment from kate:

d! i have to stave off tears right now. (is that a word? stave i mean i dont know if it's the red eye i took in from new york this morning or the sweet sentimental words you wrote about us. ok i do know - it's both ANYWAY, i guess i'm just writing to say i dont know what to say. should i even be reading this btw? you are a wonderful writer, and i feel so lucky that you care(d) about me that way. it IS beautiful. and that's what it's all about. thank you.
kate | 04.22.08 - 2:57 pm | #

i'm glad she's cool with my turning our relationship inside-out for you guys.

answers to all your questions in the comments of the last post tomorrow.

ps. branner's getting bigger. quickly.

(he made a list)

there are a few open bl-issues i want to clear up this morning. bl-issues = blog issues = issues raised by my blog.

you see, i operate in the realm of semi-anonymity in the sense that "d" is a mythical creature with a low-profile job. oh, and an active sex life.

hopefully you like this unicorn of a man i've created.

but in all seriousness, working in a public, yet vailed, medium is challenging and rewarding, because the things i write come back to me in phone conversations, bars, and all over the net. my blog feeds into a number of different online locales, the most explicit being facebook, which is the one place i do feel i can control who sees what.

so people in my life read this stuff, and if you're a blogger, you know sometimes you make new friends from other blogs as a corollary to blogging. the people i know and the people i sort of know, in a lot of cases, have questions about certain things i write.

bl-issues.

so i'd like to clear a few up.

• branner got his name from branner hall, my freshman dorm. professor john casper branner, a geologist, was stanford's very first faculty member, so technically my dog's named after an intelligent individual...not a cesspool of drunken make-out sessions.



• i'm not pining for my ex-girlfriend. in fact, beyond hoping she's really happy, i am in a great place about our relationship, which ended many months ago. i haven't seen or spoken to her in a few months. the downside of writing about an ex is the natural speculation it sparks for readers. i didn't start writing about her until i felt a peace with the whole experience, and i did so mostly because i think a lot of my readers might take something away from the long road kate and i took to get past one another.



• summercamp, the music festival i bartend each year, is going to be a solo affair, unless braden can find a cohort to make it a threesome. there's no room for another worker in chalise's absence, per management, so either i'm rolling down there alone or someone laid-back and able to buy a ticket will kick it with brady while i'm slingin' the sauce. apologies to everyone who was interested in working the fest...it's out of my control!



• cha-rule is moving to san diego, which i actually first noted in the comments of ex-everything's blog. this is less a bl-issue as just an issue for this blog's writer. i think the best word to summarize the why of this move is "pursuing", and i think now is as good a time as ever to get on with pursuing sh*t.

any other questions, concerns, or comments i should be aware of?

(groceries)

he walked up behind her and she awkwardly noticed herself.

"i should not being standing in a contemplative mode in front of the plastic bags. what IS the difference between Glad and Hefty? i'm totally in his way. he probably needs Glad freezer bags and i'm right in front of them. oh, sorry, i'll scoot over. okay...which one's cheaper per count? just get that one. Hefty. how many bags, though? what's the difference between Freezer and Storage? jesus just pick one. he's staring at these bags too. or is he watching me? am i in his way? i can't fucking believe i haven't figured out which box of plastic fucking bags. i have that tomato from lunch at home so i should probably get some medium bags and some big gallon bags. if i get all gallon bags i'll probably use one for something small, like a tomato or cheese or an onion. i wonder which bags he'll get. i fucking hate these jeans. whatever he gets will probably be the best price per count...how else would you pick out plastic bags??"

he walked up behind her and she awkwardly noticed herself.

he looked at the selection of plastic bags, quite excited that he'd finally (and inexplicably) managed to remember he needed them.

"nice. bags. is she cute..? i think i'd do it. okay...bags. fucking marketing. i need big ones, get some medium ones in case, and fuck little ones. price; per count...Glad. DONE. i wonder what she's thinking."

(a moment of release)

(read yesterday's post first.)

i wasn't sure as to how kate would respond to the idea of getting together again.

i wasn't sure as to how her response, excited indifferent aloof relieved as it might be, would interact with my own emotional stomping ground.

was i crossing a line?
was the timing right?
would her reaction over- or under-whelm?

was i doing what i'd sort of promised not to?

in the end, after a few texts to pierce the void, we caught one another over the phone and had a brief and fun conversation, mostly laughing and in the interest of making some dinner plans. it didn't seem like months had passed without a word. the jolt of running into a past life on the sidewalk was present, but muted.

a week or so later, as chicago flashed its devilish grin to reveal its approaching winter plans, i picked her up from a business school class mid-week, and we shot across river north to one of her favorite haunts, le colonial, to post up at the second floor bar for some drinks and food.

we settled into the far end of the bar, the conversation bouncing around between humorous stories, new developments, nuanced personal changes, and 'so what the hell have you been up to?'s.

she'd ordered her dirty martini, i had a high-end scotch.

she looked gorgeous, as i'd expected, although after a long day at work and a few hours of class, i'm sure she didn't feel it.

her laugh still made the earth vibrate.

and in contrast to the past, when shredded strings still held our hearts in a holding pattern, this night carried with it no clouds. our cards had been pulled off the table, and the distance had created new air to breath.

there wasn't a third stool at the bar for Pain in his black trench coat and subtle sign language.

we were fun, and the conversational waterfall just couldn't quit. it took forever just to pick out appetizers; with every update i think our mutual adoration and pride for one another took center stage.

she was doing great, and doing great things. she'd been in mexico volunteering, working hard towards her MBA, and taking huge responsibilities at work. she was changing the things she didn't love about her life, and she was still goddamn hilarious.

she asked me how i'd felt about us...the way i looked at where we were and where we'd been.

i'd always told her i thought an end for us was necessary, if we ever stood a chance at a future. our future existed in a new life, together or not.

our old life only held a future apart.
i told her i still believed that, and i told her i thought we'd done the right thing.

she agreed.

and she said, "d, i have to tell you something."

which was the moment i knew she was seeing someone.

...

in a moment i knew that, and i knew she was afraid to tell me.

i quickly felt her pain at my possible pain, and i stumbled to digest a reality i'd certainly contemplated, but entirely couldn't find terms for.

was i upset? ...i wasn't.

was i surprised? ...i think i was.

what i was, was off-guard, winded, and uncomfortable.

it only lasted a few minutes, with my stomach knotted and my awkward response ("oh WOW," i believe) betrayed my effort to immediately convey that i was okay, and it was okay, and i was indeed really, really happy for her.

"just give me a minute to take it in. that's really great, babe...it's just hard to digest right in front of you."

and then it settled. and i told her i was genuinely happy (truthfully), and i asked a few very basic questions about their meeting (at school) and her happiness (she was happy) and i asked her to be stingy with the details.

she understood, and the air felt cleared and we continued to catch up.

a poignant moment...in some ways a momentus moment...had passed.

and we found our footing on the other end.

later, i dropped her off at home after a long and heartfelt hug.

learning that kate was, well, where she was, was what i had come for. why i had reached out. it was maybe not what i'd expected, but it was a big piece of the unknown i had been missing.

when i looked back, and had time to digest our dinner and more specifically the idea that the girl i'd given a huge piece of my heart to was now exploring her life with someone else, i found i could handle it. i found that while i did romanticize our connection as something that would never end, i'd been wrong to think that our connection was predicated on the absence of other people coming into our lives.

a boyfriend in her life didn't mean i couldn't care about her.

and what it meant was that she was okay. i hadn't realized how much i needed to know that.

my fear of her experience on the other side of our distance was that she wasn't happy. i was worrying about her, and i didn't need to be. whether this new guy was taking care of her or not, what i now knew was that she was taking care of herself.

and that settled a piece of my soul.

that night pushed me out into the next day with a renewed comfort with the way things had become, and a warmth about kate's emotional place and wonderful future.

i started writing about her almost immediately.

i began exploring us with an eye towards the things i've gained from our experience.

and i was peaceful.

we survived our failed relationship, and i think we came out the other end with the good stuff. we changed each other in wonderful ways, and we moved one another tangibly closer to our chances at a lifelong happiness.

...

we shared a cab home, and as she handed me a blanket and a pillow for the couch, and we laughed and talked and laughed some more, i turned to her and said, "can i just sleep in your bed with you? i don't want to stop hanging out."

looking back, she couldn't believe she said yes.

looking back, i think she just didn't know what to say.

and at the time, my request was entirely platonic. it was about staying up late and relating to someone i immediately trusted and wanted to connect with.

but it also marked the beginning of the most rewarding, genuine, loving relationship i've ever experienced...and one that lasted for years.

one that for a while i thought would never end.

...

it was a relationship that did end,

in order to give it a future.





catch up on kate and i here, here, and here (and here).

(the discipline of respect)

catch up on kate and i here, here, and here (and here).

it had been months, and i was unsettled.

when two people realize they're causing one another pain without any intent to do so, and holding on to one another hoping that the universe will get off its ass and fix whatever was broken between them in the first place, then it usually takes the strength of one to call spades spades and suggest some real distance.

kate, knowingly or not, provided that strength to a lingering unhealthiness between us when we finally decided to cut off the communication and throw fate to the gusty breezes of the windy city.

"what i need is for you to leave me be, so i can find some peace."

those weren't her exact words, but when i cycled back into a moment that reminded me of us, saw something i knew she'd find hysterical, or felt the ghost of her presence in a place or a moment, what had over and over again become texts or phone calls or emails felt the tug of the leash that her request demanded.

a deep and warm love kept me near her during the long stretch of in-between-ness we endured.

but that period had to end, and she'd asked me to make that possible.

to stop forwarding warmth because its end result was pain and sorrow.

to stop hurting her, regardless of my intention.

and i did. for a long while.

but cold turkey left me blind to her. it left me curious and worried and speculating as to how she was experiencing life without me in it.

was she seeing things that reminded her of me?
was she laughing at people around the city and dumb mistakes she made, because she knew i'd find them funny?

did she miss me?

because i was seeing those things.
and laughing at those people. and laughing at myself.

and i missed her.

those things were running around in my head, and as i learned to deal with them, i worried that it might be hard for her.

i worried about her, and after years of worrying about her with the ability to be there for her, i was stuck to stomach my concern and to go about my day.

all the while desperately trying to respect her request to facilitate some healing.

to be away.

as time passed, so did the struggle involved in actively respecting our distance. here and there i heard bits and pieces as to kate's health, happiness, and humor; from chalise and our other mutual friends.

a split had been made, and it now had a life of its own. we'd accomplished something that didn't seem possible.

we had our own lives.

and when that was true...true and not fabricated to justify my decision...

...i made contact with kate and we made plans to have dinner...

(blog carnival)

so 20SB had it's first blog carnival, hosted by sequined over at sequins and glitter.

the theme of the first carnival was (appropriately) "FIRSTS":

it was a resounding success. as she put it:

The response was overwhelming, with almost 70 entries! Here are the most interesting, most well written, most enjoyable, most insightful, most sincere posts of the lot!

she proceeds to feature a handful of the submissions, and guess who was featured?

my ex-girlfriend.

okay not really it was me being featured for writing a story about the day i met kate.

so i'm super flattered.

thank you, sequined, and everyone involved.

now chalise and i have to go catch the bulls game so we can boo ben wallace.

(in the moment)

just under a year ago, i wrote this about kate:

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

i stumbled across a blog today which i've decided not to link*, and as usual found some writing that made me think, 'man that's a good way of saying that.' not that anything someone else says about their own life can directly translate itself onto your own experience, but i identified with the end of a particular post over there and thought i'd recognize it by copying it here.

i've gone through some very back and forth times over the past year with someone.

she's absolutely wonderful in her ability to take life by the horns and a flip it on its back, and she's got gusto and she's got inertia. that line paulo nutini wrote, 'i love the prowess in the things that you do', well that brought one person to mind and it's her.

and i could sing her praises all day, because any one of the reasons that we don't seem to work would exist outside of my respect for her, and my impression of the kind of person she tries to be.

but we don't bring out the best in one another anymore. we manifest too much sadness and strife, and until that cloud of pain and frustration clears neither one of us could hope to move on or move towards one another.

anyway...what's written below reminds me of a time in the past. a time when we hadn't talked about all the confusion and unhappiness that floated around between us.

i only hope that had i written it myself back then, it would have been expressed with such honestly and tenderness:

"me and my girlfriend are going through a rough patch.

thats what we call it, a "rough patch." but we dont refer to it often, so we dont call it anything much.

we might take a break. whatever a break is. a split between time. a division of worlds. but we dont know yet, the tangle of confusion that is love and commitement has kept us knotted up, sad and hurt and fearful. we hold eachother at night, or i hold her while she sleeps, and we let the hours do their work. we let the universe figure it out for us. passive and unbelieving. its a dull ache. we dont even know what to call each other anymore. the loving nicknames we have created for one another now carry a mournful tone when said. honey is no longer so sweet. baby is now just condescending. buns is cold and tasteless. our real names too strict and formal.

she says im too private, which i am, but that im so proud of it. so simple and determined, to escape into my head, away from her and all the rest of it. what do you do on your computer? what is so important? what do you write? why? i dont do anything, i say. i write about the things i think i know. and then i just stare at the floor and see nothing. meaningless wood and dust. i wonder what to say. i never know what to say. dont you think im sexy? you never even look at me, i never see you. her curves are gorgeous. slow and defined. so beautiful. her bangs make her eyes a mystery. her lips pout out in sex and anger. i look around. the house is a mess. we havent had the time to clean it. shit."

- not cited*

i will say this...the nicknames always held their ground for us. always carried purely love. maybe that's what kept us going for so long, even after we'd lost something. we had words that still always said 'i love you, babe' and always meant 'i love you, babe.'

* i didn't link or cite this writing because it dawned on me that its author mentioned in his comments that he hadn't shared his writing with his female subject. it may seem a little paranoid, but because he's from an area in which i know a ton of people, i thought it best to let him decide as to how his work is distributed. if it's cool with him, i'll put up the link.

(a tale of two lives)

when i met kate i was living at home, planning a return to the west coast and heading back there almost every three weeks. on some level, chicago was where i was vacationing, and to say i was still in the 'i don't know what i want to do with my life' stage would be a gross understatement.

i hadn't yet fully recovered from my decision to quit my pursuit of a professional soccer career, which is to say that my perception of this new 'real world' scenario that college graduates are forced to wrestle with still didn't have have full-time employment or longer term goals built into it. my vision into the future had always sort of ended with soccer, and it's removal left a gaping hole in tomorrow.

that being said, i was almost a year removed from my decision to give up the game, and emotionally i was only in a small way uncomfortable with the new me. i was very much enjoying the freedom of this No Soccer Life...it allowed me to immerse myself in chicago's music scene, my friend's and their party scenes, and to spent a bit of time with almost no responsiblity at all.

and in this context i was an outlet for kate and her recent foray into life after a failed relationship. i was in a lot of ways constantly having fun, and i imagine that it looked quite good on me. our honeymoon phase was not only heightened in that way, but as i've mentioned before, prolonged by my hesitation to rush her beyond her adjustment to this new life.

these were incredible times.

it was new restaurants and new music.
trips to san diego, san francisco, and new york.
it was weeknight drinking, weekend brunches, new friends and late nights in her apartment with chalise.

it's amazing what laughter and sex will do for your general state of being.

our contrast was notable...her professional life was (and still is) quite impressive already.

she'd landed one of those jobs after school, having worked hard at her finance degree and diligently through the interview process before graduation (a process i'm pretty sure i slept through). her city life had begun right away, and she was already almost a year into a great job making great money, shouldering a lot of responsibility.

i found this superbly attractive, of course.

and in some ways it undoubtedly influenced some of the decisions i made that kept me here in chicago. as kate and i slowly fell deeply in love, i became more focused on making our relationship possible...i wanted to move downtown, and i wanted to have a job and earn money to spend on her.

when i did find work at a law firm, and did move downtown, i was still quite a long way away from work that engaged me...work that i enjoyed and wanted to succeed at.

and for a time that was probably preferrable.

my lack of direction fueled a focus on the two of us, and the undershirt of uncertainty i wore had trouble outshining the glowing jacket of carefree exuberance i had for the time we spent outside of work.

but as things tend to do...

this all changed with time.

(drink under a vanished moon)

last night chalise and i did some real catching up, rather than drunk as skunks catching up.

we went to cleo's in the ukranian village, and sat around a big long table with seven other people in a scene right out of a dialogue-centric movie made by woody allen or richard linklater.

the table was filled with local hipster-ish people, all of whom i've had the pleasure of meeting before, and all of whom we've had some really fun fly-by-night experiences with...underground record label launches, backyard barbeques...really good people.

a chunk of the night was just cha and i, catching up on the last two months, and hashing out her distress at the status of her current love life.

if you get a chance to move to the virgin islands for two months, i can confidently say you probably should.

her mornigns were spent snorkeling, and her favorite local establishment served full lobsters for $15 and followed that up with the "best dance party i've EVER seen", as she put it.

this from a girl who's seen a LOT of dance parties.

for about an hour we were hopping up to step outside to the back porch, checking in on the status of last night's total lunar eclipse, which, of course, had to happen on the coldest evening in two weeks.

and the highlight of which was really the fact that regulus and saturn were such a bright frame to the whole thing.*

after a swamped week, and fighting the onset of a slight cold, our get-together was really a late and somewhat brief bite to eat.

but that's exactly what i missed.

the quick meetups for a bite or a cocktail. the immediate access to my sister-in-effect.

now, since we spent a lot of time discussing love and relationships, i'm left with an inquiry to throw at you. it's a timeless question, and one i'd love to know your thoughts on...regardless of your romantic status at the moment.

do you believe in a single soulmate? and no matter if you do or don't...how do (or did) you know that someone is the forever person for you?






*i say that like i knew those two bright star looking things were regulus and saturn, which i didn't until i found that article i linked. i feign intelligence with the best of 'em.

alexis, pictured here, answers some inquiries into our past, and what the person writing this blog might actually be like.

more to come, and a big thank you to her for being so open.

-+-+-



what'd you think when i asked you to do this? what came to your head when i brought it up?

You prefaced it as something kinda crazy or offensive that you wanted to ask me to do, so I was expecting something far worse. Not that it was anti-climactic to be asked to do an interview about you, but more like, “Oh, well, of COURSE.” The prospect was kind of exciting.

If anything, I thought it sounded like fun. Especially because our relationship is something I, of course, haven’t thought about in depth in quite awhile.

I will say though, that I wondered, a) what prompted you to ask me to do this now, and b) why you asked me to do it over some other ex-girlfriend. Or over another friend of yours, for that matter.

I mean, you know the kind of shit I’m going to say about you...

ha! the floor is yours. so, what kind of person do you think i am, based on the time when we knew each other best?


Passionate.

And that’s in equal measures passionate about other people and their lives, interests, problems, ideas, and abilities...etc.

Actually, this was the first word that came to mind, and I thought I’d immediately come up with better ones, but it’s definitely the most fitting. From how you played soccer to how you dance, how you kiss, sexually, all of it.

Also, I think about the fact that I really listened to you and your thoughts and opinions (which is not something I do in general with anyone) and trusted you because you were always genuine, always convincing; this is 100% due to your level of passion.

Even down you the music I listen to …it’s completely a result of your influence (audience: note that I did not listen to or know any classic rock before I met D. Honestly, I really didn’t start listening to much music until after meeting him).

One of the many things I love about you is that you wholeheartedly respect and engage your full emotions in other people’s expertise in such a positive way: you’ve always appreciated what others can do really well and commend them hugely for it. Perhaps this is something I’ve taken note of specifically because I have a strong tendency to get irritated or annoyed if I’m not as good at something as someone else.

But you’ve always immersed yourself in the appreciation of others’ talent and skill.

-+-+-



and like i said...there's more! stay tuned.

i've dated two women since college began.

well...two and half (i'll open that can o' worms soon).

lately i've been exploring some of the memories of my most recent relationship with kate, and i haven't really explained why that is. at this point we've only gotten to that relationship's first kiss.

as some point soon, i'll move that along.



for the moment, though, we're talking about alexis.

during college i got deeply involved with alexis, and it started right out of the gates during our freshman year.

i lived in the biggest freshman dorm on campus at stanford; a two floor, two-winged complex that uniquely placed freshman in two-room, three-person pairings.

by some nearly impossible stroke of luck (as stanford randomly pairs every freshman by design) i walked in and met my roommates only to find out one of them, taylor, was not only a soccer player, but going to be a walk-on for the team. he'd even grown up with leemo (national team co-hort and fellow stanford teammate) and was basically the nicest kid in the world.

tayfunk and i became instant friends.

tayfunk and alexis went to senior prom together.

alexis was housed right below us on the first floor.

i immediately wanted to know why tayfunk wasn't after alexis; she was drop dead gorgeous, fun, athletic, and just seemed ideal for the kid (as he was all of those things too).

he brushed those inquiries off with the same fervor that i brush off those inquiries into chalise and i. they were childhood friends. that was it.

which naturally resulted, eventually, in my own pursuit.

lex was (and is) spunky, artsy, outgoing, and sharp.

she was (and is) exotically beautiful, an olympic-caliber swimmer, intensely driven and motivated.

and eventually she saw something in me (god knows) and we inched our way into a long, intense relationship.

over the years that relationship explored every corner of emotional, intellectual, and physical connection that two young adults are capable of, both good and bad.

in some ways it was tender and supportive.
in some ways it was an all out fist-fight.

at times it was honest, trusting, and reliable.
and at times it was dishonest, manipulative, and confrontational.

it was far more great than not.

it made us both better versions of ourselves, without a shred of doubt. and for an unsuccessful relationship i think that's, in a lot of ways, the most you could ever hope for.

(okay, there's also the fact that she modeled for a while after college, which is a great notch in the belt. most guys hope to date models, but it's nice knowing you saw it early, too.)

having kept in touch since graduation largely via email, this blog, and chats online, i find that we've fortunately maintained some of the stuff that fueled our connection: we share ideas, jokes, and broad-stroke thoughts on everything from relationships to our experience of this stage in our lives.

which is why, as i mentioned a short bit ago, i felt comfortable asking her for a little interview.

and man, did she come though.

so later today, roughly after lunch, i'll post the first part of alexis' reflection on yours truly and our relationship!


because i'm sure you're quite sick of only getting my side of the story.

i recently had an 'i really miss chalise' moment, so i thought i'd write about her because we all know it'll make it seem like she's around...stave off the void i'm feeling in daily life with her gone.

or at least that's what i'll just go ahead and tell myself, mkay?

i mentioned that chalise was really my first true love. we'd been childhood friends for years when we fell into a more serious relationship sometime around our sophomore year in high school.

it all basically started in between our last class each day at school, and our respective start times for practice; mine - soccer, hers - cheerleading and gymnastics. we got into the habit of heading off the school's campus for an hour or two during those times to hang out...i think we'd watch a movie, go to applebees (we were suckers for their potato skins which i still don't understand), or whatever else.

somewhere along those lines we decided it'd be fun to go dancing at this under-age dance club in a town nearby to ours, and the second we hit the dance floor our relationship changed. we were those teenagers bumping and grinding one another while making out; i'm sure the staff was really impressed with our level of maturity.

but it broke the ice, and we ended up together for quite a while. we plowed through intimate barriers together and were as in love as kids can be during a pretty formative time for both of us.

of course at the time we thought we'd last forever...at that age nothing ain't worth doing unless it's forever, right?

in reality, of course, we'd go through the normal relationship ups and downs for the next few years. at times we were just friends with benefits. at times we were just friends. i remember our first breakup in a local ice cream parlor; she was wearing overalls and we both cried. i remember surviving that breakup and knowing i'd know her for the rest of my life.

for five years, we saw each other sparingly.

we visited one another twice in college, once on each campus, and although i know i wondered where our lines would be during those visits, and during our brief holiday visits home, they remained platonic.

our lives at school engaged us...we were each merely visitors in the new lives we'd both created for ourselves. we were molding a real friendship that'd been born of a first love.

so we reunited in our home towns years later...two aimless young adventurers, eager to claim the cities music scenes, beautiful people, and killer food. we were inseparable almost immediately...it almost seemed too easy sometimes.

i'm not sure how many people have a deeply important friendship like the one chalise and i found ourselves in. i don't mean that as a comment on anyone's relationships, but for the two of us, i don't think we'd have ourselves if we didn't have one another.

because i think with the love, experience, pain, and intimacies of our past, we're left with a trust and companionship that's hard to maintain between a man and a woman.

we find ourselves in love with our connection.

we thrive on one another and the different set of tools we each bring to life.

she's insanely active, social, artistic, and optimistic. she's exotically gorgeous, which we use to our advantage.

i'm grounded, intellectual, well-informed, and inexplicably insightful...she thinks i have an old soul. i'm a guy that likes to over-analyze relationships.**

we both love strangers. we're both very spontaneous.

she's gone for two months, living in the caribbean, and we're about a month in. when i broached the subject of my last relationship, susie from everyonelovesabostongirl*, asked how chalise felt about my dating her best friend from college.

i thought that was a pretty good question, because even kate was a bit sensitive to it at first.

and i think it goes without saying that chalise was probably happier about it all than the two of us! i mean...chalise had her two best friends basically living with her for a while, and loved the idea of the two of us ending up together.

i know she adored the way kate and i treated one another.

and we loved having her in common.

and i think somehow all those ties will end up preserving a relationship between all of us in the end. kate and i will always have chalise, and chalise will always have both of us.

but the one thing i'm absolutely sure of?

i will know and love chalise for every minute of my remaining life.







*who, ironically, is in chicago this evening.

**i'm like a straight gay boyfriend.

my relationship with kate moved relatively slowly at first. obviously, we'd met the day her longtime live-in boyfriend moved out, and this guy, jason, had been kate's only real relationship ever...starting in college and lasting something like five years.

i was very aware of that. i was also immediately kate's friend, because chalise had brought us together and had always faithfully trusted my advice about men and relationships. in turn, i ended up as a confidante to the two of them...wasting many a weeknight staying up late on their porch talking kate through the experiences she was having. debating love and relationships with the two of them over wine and home-cooked dinners.

when i think back, it's hard for me to find the moments which revealed kate and i to be more than new friends. for a long while i wanted that line to exist...i wanted her to process her old relationships and find happiness...i wanted it the way her best friend wanted it.

after a while i wanted those things, but because i wanted us to have a real chance.

one of the few things i know is that a real relationship needs to time to become a past relationship. breaking up or moving out doesn't mean that a relationship no longer exists. part of it sticks around, in each person's heart, and like the magnet that first brought two people together can continue to pull at them once it's over.

that process can happen quickly if there's an anchor or catalyst involved; someone cheats, or some betrayal occurs.

but when a relationship runs it's course, and doesn't work out for the subtle reasons...usually the tail end of that course doesn't end abruptly. lives have to adjust. realities have to re-settle. perceptions of things like attraction, sex, trust, and friendship gradually find new meanings.

so i hesitated. i separated my desire for her from my sympathy and support for her.

a few times, here and there, i'd ask to crash in her bed, or she'd ask me herself.

we'd stay up late talking about our lives and the way we thought the world worked. she'd ask me about my past relationships, and worry she was inexperienced in love. i'd assure her that i felt all the fears and questions she felt. she'd amaze me with her conviction and self-confidence.

our differences became oceans for our conversations to swim around in.

and then once night realized i was going to kiss her.

we laid in her bed, and i remember it hit me that i wouldn't sleep unless i kissed her. she was talking, and i can't remember what she was saying because of how vividly i remember the fear i felt.

i laid there and felt every physical and proverbial line that i was about to cross, with no real idea as to how kate would react...with no doubt whatsoever that it was going to happen.

i thought about her somewhat recent past.
i though about the signs she'd given me, and the fantastic relationship we'd had for months...not a day had past without talking or spending time together.
i wondered if it'd be a good kiss, or an awkward kiss...would she kiss me back?

it is without a doubt the kiss i've most over-thought in my entire life.
and i think those fifteen million thoughts were all raced through my head in about ten minutes.

i felt like i had a lot to lose, and i was hyper-concerned about our timing.
i worried about everything that could go wrong.

and then i leaned up on one arm,
she looked at me and quite talking,

and i planted one on her.

all that worrying was for naught...

because it was a memorably phenomenal first kiss.